i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize