I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
