i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
