This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
