he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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