the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
