Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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