This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
