; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
