My liver just broke up with me...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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