Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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