I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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