Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
