i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
