i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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