Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize