Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
