All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
