Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
