she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i believe in u and ur pee
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
