i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
