i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize