I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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