every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
