I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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