meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
