I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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