I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize