Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All the doctor said was why
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
