Got a toothbrush?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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