yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
