I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
