I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
