i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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