Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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