two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
