using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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