I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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