that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
