i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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