Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
