Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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