It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
