I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
