Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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