I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
