The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
