That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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