drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
