i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
