What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
