Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
