I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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