I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
