I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
