I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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