Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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