Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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