new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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