can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
