I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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