I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
